#‎DontSendAgirlToDoAMansJob‬!

The poor prostitute on Olive and 99 got the surprise of her life time when she tried demanding my purse as I was fueling up this morning. "Bitch please! U betta step back and go get ur pimp to tell me that!" As I laughed and jumped out of my pickup to finishing my task of getting gas.  I'm like bitch u finna get knocked out for $46 cash, 2 credit cards, a few used gift cards and some receipts. If it's my identity ur wanting, take it! And all the problems that come with it! I laughed so hard afterwards. Couldn't believe someone was dumb enough to think I'd just be quite and hand my shit ova. Nope!

#NoIDontHaveTourretts

Please don't call me, text me! "Sure we can meet for lunch. Close the fridge Nico! What time? Please put that down. And where? Okay mommy will fix it." No I don't have Tourrette's, I have a toddler.

#58CandyCanes

Rule #58 for Moms...Never think your kid is too young for you to start check their pockets during laundry time. Otherwise, you'll smell like Candy Canes. Like me!

‪#‎SingleLife‬ ‪#‎IveBeenFreeezingForAminute‬

Fellas: The main reason women get into a relationship is so we can shove our frozen ass toes up under you during the night and use your overly sweaty bodies as our human electric blanket. ‪#‎SingleLife‬ ‪#‎IveBeenFreeezingForAminute‬

#SwallowKeyChain

On the phone with Poison Control!! As if the tantrums aren't enough!!  Now we gotta test my sanity by swallowing a key chain!! 

Just got home from my folks' house and he was wound up on sweets and going crazy.  So "it's bedtime" I tell him and as I turn on a movie, he decides to swallow a f**cking keychain!  As soon as I turn around I see him gulp it down, he laughs and says "I swallowed my keychain!"  Just thought that the beebee chain for his GI Joe dog tag looked good enough to eat! And then he laughed about it as I scrambled to the kitchen for a phone and phone book.  The girl on the phone says it'll pass, just gotta watch for it.  This kid is gonna be the death of me!

#TantrumNumber2

#TantrumNumber2 He couldn't find his orange shirt he threw off during tantrum #1.

#GottaLearn

I don't have a clue how to work out so I keep my ass out of the gym, so those that don't know how to order keep your ass outta Starbucks!!! Its Tall, Grande and Venti NOT Small Medium and Large!

#Boogersflap

Listening to ur kids boogers flap as he snores, Thats how I'm starting this New Year!
— feeling like I have NO life!

#HottestNewYearsDateEver!

My date!! Been crashed out for hours! Looks like another 3rd wheel night!!